The capacity to change
Hi friends -
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.
Mine was a bit of a whirlwind of cooking and eating, followed by more cooking and more eating - but it was so, so good to be surrounded by my sweet family.
In addition to hosting my family for our Thanksgiving meal, I also had a sleepover with my littlest niece, August.
My nieces and nephews take turns staying over. They all like to have my undivided attention, and they map out a very extensive itinerary for their visit.
Here was August’s list:
I’ll be honest: I thought “Brain Breaks” meant that we’d be taking time to rest - but I was mistaken. It was a series of YouTube videos that required us to jump and dance around the room.
Seriously, no rest for the weary over here.
Even though August and I had a ton of special time together, we weren’t the only ones in the house.
My mom, dad, and my dad’s wife, Sheila, also stayed the night. They wanted to spend a little extra time here since they hadn’t seen my new house yet.
The adults gave August and me a lot of space, wanting to ensure she had all my attention — which was so thoughtful of them.
Late Thanksgiving night, August and I put on our matching pj’s, did some yoga, and then turned on a movie in the bonus room upstairs.
I was half-watching the movie and half-dozing off cause the day had been pretty non-stop. I was also a bit distracted by hearing my mom, dad, and Shiela talking in the living room downstairs.
To give a bit of family history, my parents divorced almost ten years ago after a 37-year marriage. The first few years after the divorce were a bit awkward. My sister and I would split holidays, spending part of the day or week with my dad and part with my mom.
However, over time, things between them started to soften. They would see each other at the grandkids’ sporting events and slowly felt more comfortable around each other.
My dad’s new wife, Shiela, was a big part of this. Shiela is deeply religious and said God told her she was “not to be a divider” in our family. This meant that she never (ever) tried to replace my mom as the matriarch of the family.
In fact, Shiela intentionally sought out a relationship with my mom — bonding over the experience of being a mother and other similarities they shared.
As August and I watched the movie, I could hear the three of them having a deep conversation downstairs.
My dad expressed some regret about the selfishness he struggled with when he was married to my mom.
My mom expressed equal regret about her tendency to be too passive during the marriage.
Shiela chimed right in, sharing some of the things she struggled with in her first marriage.
My mom told my dad, “Phil, you’ve come such a long way, though. You’ve grown so much. I see that.”
My dad said, “I really hope I have.”
He certainly has come a long way. And so has my mom.
My sister and I talk about this often. We recognize the work they have both put in to their own growth and healing.
As I lay upstairs, I was filled with gratitude for the three adults downstairs — a fitting feeling for Thanksgiving day.
I felt grateful for their willingness and courage to heal old patterns. I’m proud of them.
Our family is more whole because of the work they’ve invested in themselves.
We can celebrate the holidays together in one room.
The grandkids can look over and see both grandparents at every soccer game.
My sister and I can share family memories together with our parents.
All of this is possible because of the ways my parents have continued to grow, evolve, and change.
Zooming out for a minute, I think one of the most foundational elements of being a therapist is a deep belief in a person’s capacity to change.
As therapists, we have the opportunity to walk alongside people who may be deeply wounded, people who may have regrets, people who are seeking a better version of themselves.
Of course, we know that repairing relationships doesn’t always turn out so smoothly.
Often, despite the desire for healing and reconciliation, relationships remain absent or fractured.
There are still fractures in my family, and I recognize that some relationships may never heal.
But despite what the future may hold, I continue to believe that change is possible and that working on your own healing is a worthy pursuit, regardless of the outcome.
The holidays often intensify whatever we may be feeling. If we are happy, joy feels very within reach. But if we are experiencing grief and loss, the pain might feel more palpable.
I’ve noticed that I am often tempted to focus disproportionately on who’s missing from around the table or what might be different from our version of the ideal holiday.
While it’s important to make space for whatever feelings come up, I also want to be intentional about the elements of my life that bring me joy, hope, and gratitude.
I don’t want to miss seeing the beauty and healing simply because fractures still exist.
I’m curious — does this resonate with you today? If there are any thoughts or feelings from your own relationships that this brings up for you, I’d love to hear about them.
As always, just reply here or shoot me an email at rachel@motivohealth.com.
Warmly,
Rachel
Rachel Ledbetter, LMFT
CEO/Co-Founder, Motivo
rachel@motivohealth.com