"Thanks for the we"
Hi friends,
This past weekend, I spent a few days in cute and quirky Portland, Oregon, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
The timing of the trip couldn’t have been better since June is when the city’s famous roses are in full bloom.
I was there with two of my closest girlfriends - Sam and Jenny. It was actually our third year in a row of making Portland our home base for a little girl’s trip.
Jenny lives in Portland. Sam lives in LA. And I live in Knoxville, TN.
But we always seem to default to Portland for our annual trip because it has the best food.
There is a ton I love about living in Knoxville, but I gotta be honest that the local food scene leaves something to be desired - particularly the sushi (omg-please-stop-putting-cream-cheese-on-everything).
Portland, on the other hand, is home to some of the country’s best restaurants and top chefs.
Interestingly, it has a disproportionate number of James Beard award-winning restaurants, as Portland was the culinary icon's hometown.
The three of us spent several days eating at amazing restaurants like Kaan, Hat Yai, and Lovely’s 50/50, while also riding around town on the hop-on/hop-off trolley.
We had the best time. But, I gotta say that my favorite part of the trip was the deep and thought-provoking conversations.
Sam, Jenny, and I have been friends for many years, going back to the early 2000s when we all lived in Los Angeles.
We’ve seen each other through a number of new beginnings - marriages and moves, as well as heartbreaking struggles like divorce and infertility.
There is a vulnerability in our friendship I treasure. We can be real, like intensely real, with one another.
We’re the kind of friends who can process generational trauma and then sit silently reading our books and sipping wine for hours after.
At one point this weekend, we were processing a painful decision that one of us is navigating.
We discussed the inevitable process of grief and loneliness as well as the human desire for deep connection and community.
As we talked, I remembered a scene from one of my favorite movies, Stepmom. Have you seen it?
It’s several years old and stars Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, and Ed Harris.
I’ll warn you - it’s a major tearjerker. I only watch it when I want to cry my eyes out for a few hours.
The main plot of the story (and don’t worry, I’m not giving away any spoilers) is that Susan Sarandon has been diagnosed with cancer.
She goes out to lunch with her ex-husband, who is played by Ed Harris.
When she tells him about her diagnosis, he firmly says, “We’ll beat it.”
She responds with a hopeful nod and then says, “Thanks for the we.”
Those words, “Thanks for the we,” give me chills every time I watch the movie. I even have them now as I write this.
Ed’s character is saying, “Don’t worry. You are not alone. I’m here. We are going to walk through this together.”
Even though he is her ex-husband and has no real responsibility for his ex-wife’s health, he wants to assure her that he is in the trenches with her.
This actually made me think of a similar, but different, story from my childhood.
When I was in high school, my friend’s dad, Randal, was diagnosed with cancer.
The outlook wasn’t good, and he knew fairly early on that he would die from the awful disease, leaving behind a wife and three teenage children.
I’m sure he was very scared, angry, and nervous for what was to come.
When he would talk about his prognosis or treatment, I remember that he would always say, “we.”
“We had a good appointment today.”
“We got some discouraging news.”
“We aren’t feeling so hot.”
My mom was his Sunday School teacher, and she asked him about his use of the word “we.”
He said that the “we” he was referring to was him and God - his higher power.
He said he didn’t feel alone in his illness. Rather, he felt that God was beside him- and this gave him strength to face each day.
I’ve been reflecting on the concept of “we” for the last few days.
I think about the seasons of loss and loneliness that I haven’t had to face alone because of my “we’s”.
People like:
Sam and Jenny
My best friend, Sarah
My sister, Bec
My college friend, Julie
My mama
My former boss turned lifelong friend, Nikki
My “mood crew” - Solome, Nicki, and Stacy
My therapist (current and past)
And I also think about the intangible “we’s”:
My higher power
My inner knowing
My various “parts” - I’m very into IFS lately lol
And the communities I’m a part of
All of these “we’s” have helped me feel less alone.
They have put their hand on my back and have said, “We’ll face this together.”
They have held hope for me when I couldn’t see the path ahead.
They have provided wisdom, truth, perspective, and humor.
They’ve reminded me that, as Rainer Maria Rilke so beautifully said, “No feeling is final.”
Certainly, as therapists, we have the unique honor of being the “we” in many of our clients’ lives.
Being so is probably the reason most of us entered this field in the first place.
But, as humans, we also understand the vital importance of having we’s in our own lives.
I’m curious, when you think about your “we’s” - past and present - who comes to mind?
If you want, it might be a beautiful time to forward this message on to them and say, “thanks for being my "we.”
Sarah, Bec, Jenny, Sam, Nikki, Julie, Solome, Nicki, Stacy, mama - thanks for being my “we.”
My life is better because I know you are right beside me.
Warmly,
Rachel
Rachel Ledbetter, LMFT
CEO/Co-Founder, Motivo
rachel@motivohealth.com