Looking inside

Hi friends,

Last week, I had the honor of speaking to Northwestern University's graduate students in Marriage and Family Therapy.

The students were bright, engaged, and thoughtful — which filled me with so much excitement for the next generation of therapists entering our field.

During my introduction, I mentioned that I’m still getting used to my new (old) last name. Since getting divorced, I have reverted to my maiden name, Ledbetter.

If you read Mondays with Motivo regularly, you know I tend to be a bit of an oversharer. So, mentioning my divorce in a professional talk is undoubtedly “on brand” for me.

After my introduction, I continued with my presentation, which focused on transitioning from being a full-time therapist to creating and building Motivo.

The students had a ton of great questions — most of which we got to during the Q&A. However, I also left my email address in the chat for any follow-up questions.

One of the emails I received after the presentation has been on my mind.

A student emailed me with a question specific to my divorce. He very respectfully asked me how I reconcile having a failed marriage since, as a therapist, my job is to help others succeed in their relationships.

I understood his question.

It reminded me of the pressure I felt early on as a therapist to have the “perfect marriage.” Even now, my friends often come to me for relationship advice - figuring I know more than they do since I'm a marriage and family therapist.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

I suspect many of you feel a similar responsibility to develop strong and healthy relationships, communicate effectively, be exceptional parents, maintain good boundaries, and generally be fully evolved.

However, over the years, I have realized there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, a parent who doesn’t make mistakes, or a fully evolved human.

Some marriages are edifying. Some are not.

Some marriages grow and evolve. Some don’t.

Some marriages are for a lifetime. Some are for a season.

What makes any relationship great is not the absence of conflict or hard times.

And what makes a relationship successful is not longevity.

In my opinion, a great relationship is one in which both partners grow and evolve into the best versions of themselves.

A successful relationship is one in which partners do their own work, examine their patterns, heal old wounds, and adjust when needed.

This is also the very thing that makes someone a great parent, a great sibling, and a great friend.

Interestingly, these are also the same qualities and practices that make a great therapist.

One of my favorite quotes is by Carl Jung, who said…

Even though my marriage ended, I wouldn’t say that it failed.

I would say that, as a result of looking inward, I awakened.

I would say that I began to examine unhealthy patterns and heal old wounds.

I would say that I did the work, and then I adjusted as needed.

If I were giving any advice to a new therapist, a new couple, or a new parent, it would be to look inside continuously.

In my opinion, growing and evolving into the healthiest versions of ourselves is the most tangible thing we can offer to our partners, our kiddos, our clients, our employees, and our friends.

Do you agree?

If you have thoughts or reflections you’d like to share with me, I’d love to hear from you. Simply reply here or shoot me a note at rachel@motivohealth.com.

Warmly,

Rachel

Rachel Ledbetter, LMFT
CEO/Co-Founder, Motivo
rachel@motivohealth.com