Intentional chaos

Hi friends,

I received so many messages of love and support after last week's rather vulnerable post. It truly means the world to me that you would take the time to send a note.

I especially loved reading about the similar experiences many of you shared with me of grief, pain, and divorce.

Your stories never fail to remind me of how deeply connected we are through the human experience. Your words help me feel less alone, and I hope that mine do the same for some of you.

During this time of transition and self-discovery, I’ve been devouring books and podcasts, as well as doing some deep internal family systems work with my therapist, Bridget.

I’ve also sought out some more intense therapy experiences - something I’ve never really done before.

For several months now, I’ve followed @theangrytherapist on Instagram—do you know him?

John Kim is an LMFT living and practicing in LA. He takes an unconventional approach to therapy, preferring to conduct sessions outside of an office, on walks, in coffee shops, or on retreats.

Last month, on a total impulse, I attended one of his retreats in the mountains of Idyllwild, CA, right outside Joshua Tree.

It was called The Miserable Fucks Retreat.

If I’m being honest, the name is 99% of the reason why I registered.

I love a well-placed curse word.

The retreat was a three-day intentional time of group processing, somatic experiences (like a sound bath and breath work), and homemade family-style meals on the deck.

Only six of us were at the retreat, so we got incredibly close, incredibly fast. We bonded quickly over our shared experiences of unhealthy relationship patterns, pain and trauma, and a desire for a reawakening.

One of the first activities we did together was a cold plunge.

Each of us sat for three minutes (three. fucking. minutes.) in a tub filled with freezing cold ice water.

During each person’s turn, the rest of the group would provide whatever support the individual needed - holding a hand, offering encouraging words, or giving space.

Sarah, our guide for the cold plunge, said that one purpose of the activity was to take the body and mind through an experience of intentional chaos.

First, there was the doom and dread of even stepping foot into the tub, knowing it would shock the system.

The dread of the experience was almost enough to make me want to bail. But, I gathered the courage to go first, simply to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I had a very clear sense of what I needed from the other group members - I wanted the two other women in the group - Jen and Ashley - to be on each side of me, holding tightly to my hand.

I’ve always been a bit of a girls girl, and I knew I would gain strength from their close presence.

As I lowered myself into the tub, the intensity of the cold water became incredibly uncomfortable. It brought all senses to the surface - everything inside me was on high alert.

Over the course of the three minutes, I focused on my breath—breathing as slowly and deeply as I could—and reminded myself of the strength and fortitude that lives inside of me.

The three minutes actually passed more quickly than I thought it would. After I came out of the water, my mind and body felt so clear, so awake, so alive.

I kept coming back to Sarah’s words—intentional chaos—reflecting on the fact that I was choosing to put myself in an incredibly uncomfortable situation in order to clear my mind, get closer to my body, and fully experience the present moment.

Reflecting on my decision to leave my marriage, I realize that it’s another example of intentional chaos.

I could have chosen stasis - remaining in a marriage that wasn’t growing - a marriage that no longer felt safe to my soul.

But instead, I gathered my courage and chose intentional chaos—with fear and dread of the unknown.

I’m six months out from leaving my marriage, and with women on either side of me, I’m learning how to hear my most authentic voice, to soothe myself, to trust myself.

While this decision was a big, life-changing one, there are many examples of intentional chaos in our everyday lives.

Things like…

• Choosing to have a hard conversation with a friend or family member rather than allowing resentment to build,

• Exercising our bodies, which feels so uncomfortable in the moment but builds strength over time,

• Confronting past pain or trauma, doing the hard work of processing painful experiences so that we can find greater peace,

• Facing fears that hold us back from what we know is our full potential.

Friends, I can already tell you that enduring these moments of intentional chaos results in more joy, deeper alignment, and a closer relationship with yourself.

At least, that’s what I’m experiencing.

How about you? Do you have experiences of intentional chaos that have led to a fuller alignment with your truest self?

If so, I’d love to hear about it.

Warmly,

Rachel

Rachel McCrickard, LMFT
CEO/Co-Founder, Motivo
rachel@motivohealth.com